One more cup of coffee before I go...

black trees, silhouetted against an orange sky

2009-08-13T02:45:23Z

I started talking to Chris again first. We're staying friends. It's admittedly painful because I love him, but I guess I'd rather stay friends than not have him in my life at all.
I started talking to Mo again second. She apologized and such, and I decided to try to stay friends with her too. Sunday we went to a music festival in Venice together, and it was so nice to hang like old times, like til she showed up I was still really bitter and hurt, but man as soon as we were together again I instantly felt so shitty for being so angry with her, and I'm really glad we're putting this behind us now.
And that chapter is now closed.
Moving on with our lives.

Motive

2009-07-13T02:01:03Z

I'm only posting a quickie here.
Sarra is my date for Elements. Which I dislike, because I didn't wanna have a date for my rave. But I needed a ride so badly.
I started promoting for Motive Events. As long as I post bulletins about the events online, and leave them a couple hours early to pass out flyers, I get guest listed in for free. I'm excited =)

Some friends confuse the hell out of me.

prom

2009-05-31T17:38:32Z

Prom was last night. It was ok. I prolly would've had a lot more fun if I hadn't been so depressed. I'm such a fool.
I'll post prom pics on private though when I get them.

Amnesty

2009-04-17T03:08:49Z

Today I got my state ID card, and all my membership info for Amnesty International in the mail today. =)
When I get a job, I wanna sign up to make the monthly contributions. I can't do that yet though because i don't have any steady income.
But I'm going to 2 job fairs next week. =)
I typed a rough draft of my resumé. =)
I included all my volunteer experience, and the fact that I am bilingual and can type 60wpm, so I don't look that bad, i don't think....Idk. It's pretty bare still though.

I finally watched Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas today! It was really really good.
I think I would be able to finish the book now.
I stopped reading it halfway through, about a year ago, because I was still having trouble staying sober and reading it gave me mad cravings.
but, in case I forgot to update this earlier, I stopped going to CR. I don't feel like I need it anymore. =)
I really don't.
I feel in control again.
And I'm ready to start enjoying substances again, but in small portions and not often. Just to have fun.
I think it was really good that I stopped for a while and got a little perspective, but i feel fine now, and it is good =)

artsy fartsy day in LA

2009-04-05T06:50:44Z

Today,
I went to the LA County Museum of Art (LACMA - makes em think of milk!) with 2 friends. The day was epic. Later when I have all the pics, I will post them (on private though). I saw "The Treachery Of Images" by Rene Magritte!!! It brought tears to my eyes.
The museum was epic.
Then we went to the Brea Tar Pits since they were right there.
"OMG is the elephant moving?"
"It's rotating on its axis"
"It's drifting away!"
We did take some epic pictures.
And we walked through Farmer's Market, and ate at Canter's Delicatessen.
Went to Victoria's Secret and Barnes&Noble. I got a bunch of perfume.
Today was a good day. =)

public transit

2009-03-16T04:35:44Z

So how do you get from Apple Valley to Garden Grove via public transit?
You fucking DON'T.
WTF. Victor Valley Transit is set up even dumber than Long Beach, omg. If I could find someway to get someone from Phelan to the San Bernardino Meotrlink Station, it might be feasible....
I vote that Omnitrans needs to buy out VVTA, so all of San Bernardino County can be connected like Orange County is. This is bullshit. Gah.

booty call

2009-03-15T23:56:53Z

So I was super happy after talking to Christopher last night. Then later at like a quarter after midnight, 43 texts me. He says he's right by my house, and we should hang out. So I said ok, thinking we'll just hang out as friends, because we've been friendlier lately. And I thought he knew I am not single anymore. And even if he doesn't know that, he does have a girlfriend...not like that's stopped him before though I guess. =( Anyway. So it didn't occur to me right away why exactly he wanted to hang out. So he asked where we should hang out, and I said it depends on what he wants to do. And he said that depends on where we are... and that is when my brain finally clicked on and I realized all he wanted was a booty call. So I told him it's not gonna be like the last few times we hung out. And he said we don't need to go that far. I said we don't need to do anything of that sort. His response "we'll see. can i text u when i'm close again?" and I said sure, but that doesn't change anything. About an hour later I went to bed. And I felt icky. But when I woke up this morning, he hadn't ever texted or called back. I still felt icky though, but i did get to talk to Chris this morning before my friend came over to work on our econ project, so I guess I'm in a good mood again now. But really....I still feel like crap from talking to 43.

Why is it ok for him to completely blow me off for a couple months, and then act like we're friends again just because he wants sex, and cheat on his girlfriends, and assume that I would be so low as to cheat on my boyfriend?

Tomorrow is going to be awkward. =(

P.S.

2009-03-14T01:48:46Z

I went to check up on 2 of my job apps yesterday - the ones I submitted to Fresh&Easy and Marshalls.
Fresh&Easy is done hiring at the one by me.
The manager at Marshalls, after I told her I turned in an application a couple weeks ago, and wanted to make sure the hiring manager had received it and see if the position was still open, she made me wait half an hour for him.
So after a half hour, then she called someone for him and said he'd be back in an hour. So I sat outside and read a book for another hour, came back inside just so the hiring manager could tell me himself that they've had a hiring freeze and aren't taking anyone new.
FML.
Little things this month are adding up, and I am over it.

third week

2009-03-14T01:42:45Z

I don't get to see Christopher this weekend either. And his phone is still broken.
A third week is too long >.>
I am so done with this month.

interview

2009-03-10T07:22:22Z

Today was my interview with Vector Marketing Corporation.

I left at 4pm, and got there at 5:30, because even though it is only 9 miles from my house, I had to bus-hop, and Long Beach Transit is stupid.

So I filled uot the paper and went in for the first interview, aced it.

I was told it would be an entry-level sales job, that I would not be paid on commission, and there would be no door-to-door.

So I thought YAY! I can actually work in one spot and not have to go all over the county to make some shit commission, and I'll get paid in actual wages, yes.

I figured it would be like telemarketing, which I'd be fine with.

So I had to stay for the 2nd hour and a half interview.

Which I also aced.

But then was told that the actual job would be selling knives. What they failed to mention, is that Vector Marketing is owned by CutCo Cutlery.

And this job, is going to people's houses to demonstrate how awesome these knives are.

No door to door, no, instead I'm expected to wait for people to make an appt based on word of mouth recommendations.

And I'd get paid per appointment if I don't sell anything, but if I sell a certain amouint, I still get paid commission. It was a very convoluted pay system.

So. I aced the 3rd interview.

I got the stupid fucking job.

I was la creme de la crap.

So. First I have to attend 3 days worth of 6 hour training that is only held in the early afternoon.

So I said I'd call back and schedule training in April when I'm on spring break.

So then my night gets better.

They kept me there so long that most of the buses had stopped running.

So I got to walk a couple miles through Long Beach.

Then while sitting at the bus stop for 45 minutes, I got to listen to some creepy dude tell me how beautiful I was and that I should get in his car and let him give me a ride.

Which I found just a little scary at 10pm when I'm by myself.

Then later I got to walk another couple miles through Westminster and GG til I finally got home at 11.

Shitty.

I can't believe I wasted my day on this.

On a side note, if ever you need something amazing to listen to, Sage Francis. Agony In Her Body is an amazing song. So is Inherited Scars.

truth

2009-03-09T01:33:05Z

Chris couldn't come down this weekend. But next weekend I found out I can Metrolink to San Bernardino for only $5 and Mo can drive there and pick me up. I'd need a ride home because the only Metrolink that leaves San Bernardino to come back here leaves at around 8am.

Today I read this is my TruthBox on Myspace:
"I think you should learn real quick to ABOVE ALL ELSE GAURD YOUR HEART.your in quite a perdicameant and running quit blindly into the arms of a castanova.TRUST ME."

I have no idea who left it and I gotta admit, it's a little bothersome that someone who has this to say wouldn't just message me. =/

Anyways.
I'm cold.
And my tummy hurts.

Tomorrow I have a job interview with Vector Marketing. I have to spend 1 1/2 to 2 hours bus-hopping to a place that is only 9 miles from my house, because it's too far to walk in time, and it's across the county line so I have to switch bus systems halfway through. Long Beach Transit is kinda a pain in the ass compared to OCTA.
But anyway.
I don't know if I have anything "professional" to wear =/

happy birthday to me

2009-02-22T07:07:45Z

Went to Morongo. Cheryl gave me $300 for gambling. We had a good time. The slots were brutal to me but apparently I am not half bad at blackjack. At one point I had several hundred. But I couldn't stop betting and had a losing streak. But in the end, I left with $511. So tomorrow I'm a-going shopping for some clothes, prolly something for GOE since I don't really have bright colors =P And then I'mma get some of the books I need for my classes. And then I'mma apply for another job. And then I'mma deposit the rest of my money into savings. And it will be fantabulous. Things started off so shitty this week. Then they got fairly better. Then last night and this morning were hella shitty again. And then this afternoon and evening were fanfuckingtastic. I am elated. And one more week til Garden Of Eden!!!!! I am fucking ecstatic =P

kicked out

2009-02-17T18:03:08Z

Last night Cheryl told me to pack my things and be gone by next Tuesday.

edit

2009-02-01T19:24:37Z

I just went through and edited a whole bunch of my posts, just got rid of names and such. The one I have been obsessing over lately, his name has been changed to 43. It is a random number, and it is his new name.

Ever feel like watching porn, not because you're horny or anything, but just because you're really bored and you know it will at least be more interesting than anything on TV?

I need to get out of the house. =[

I had a 3day weekend and never left the house.
Thursday was a short day for me and my amiga came over, ut Friday I did nothing because all my friends ere at formal. I didn't go because I'm broke and single, and thought it would be kinda awkward, but I kinda wish I had decided to go =/
Both today and yesterday I was sposed to hang with G--- but she's kinda overslept both days.
So.
I feel like such a loser with no life. =[

And I talked to 99 again yesterday, he's back with his ex. I actually am, no bullshit, way more happy for him, as a friend, than I am bummed at losing the benefits in our friendship =P
Haven't talked to 43 at all this weekend either. I didn't bother texting him last night. I think it's over.

I feel really lonely right now though. =(

P.S. And although no, i will not go to the effort of majorly editing all my entries, I will take this time to apologize for all the horrid explicit details of my sex life, and internal tumult, that I post here.

oh yeah

2009-01-21T04:15:08Z

Ver gave us the bloodwork results for Timber. It's not Cushing's. It's auto-immune hemolytic anemia. Her immune system is destroying her red blood cells, and the lysed cells are pooling in hr abdominal cavity. We can't drain the cavity because her RBC count is so low (it's 1.2% including the useless cells in her abdomen, it should be at 5-8%) it will send her into hypovolemic shock, and the cavity will just fill right back up again. We could give her a blood transfusion every 2 weeks. That's impractical, and it's not something we can afford, and she's a big dog so she'd need more than just 1 transfusion every 2 weeks, plus he'd spend more than half her life in the hospital. What a poor quality of life, especially for her. She hates to be confined. So right now, since she's still looking happy with us and responsive, despite how sluggish and recumbent she's become (SO unlike her), we're gonna keep her on steroids to try to stimulate splenic contraction so we can get the most of her life out of her. Eventually though, if we don't put her down, she will suffocate, because there are not enough red blood cells to carry oxygen throughout her body. Mom says actually she'll prolly die of a heart attack before that point, because her heart will be pumping do furiously trying to circulate oxygen that isn't there, with such a low blood pressure.
I'm not liking this. =(

Let's move on.
I started showing signs of another UTI today (yay for the side effects of sex. [/sarcasm]) so now I'm on my 2nd quart of cranberry juice (walked 2 miles to get 4 quarts of it), hoping to nip this in the bud so I don't have to go on antibiotics again. I hope it was a UTI anyway, and not some horrible 43-STD. I'll find out tomorrow though when I go to my appointment at PP. I am very nervous.

Anyway. Anyone else watch the inauguration today? I got to skip Stats today because my teacher put the inauguration on the TV instead. It was intense. Except for the part about "let the yellow be mellow, let the red man get ahead man" - I cannot remember who it was who said that, but it was some nice comic relief lol.

vaginal abrasions

2009-01-14T07:49:23Z

Well Wednesday my amiga drove me to PP to get on the pill. They close at 7 on Wednesdays and we got there at 4, but they said they were full for walk-ins that day. So instead I made an appointment for Wednesday January 21st at 5:30pm, to get on the pill and get an STD screening. But I forgot to ask for the PlanB pill =( I really don't think I need it, but I admit I was really scared for like the whole week after my night with 43. Like I was super duper exhausted and super duper starving all freaking week, it really freaked me out. But I think instead I must have been fighting off an illness, since everyone else around me is sick, and I feel kinda better now. I've put on 5 pounds since Xmas. Anyway. A lot of the time my reproductive organs are not even healthy enough for me to get my period, so I seriously doubt they'd be healthy enough to incubate any little kiddies =P After we left PP we dished at Starbucks for a few hours, and then walked across the parking lot to the Rite-Aid and I bought Trojans with the spermicidal lubricant. Darren suggested getting spermicide actually, but they didn't have any. I think I'll avoid it next time though, because I was reading online about nonoxynol-9, and how the chemical that immobilizes the sperm cells can irritate the epithelial cells of the vaginal wall (or any orifice), and with prolonged use cause tiny abrasions and increase the likelihood of an STD. Scary. My skin's sensitive enough as it is. I don't need to be using chemicals that are proven to cause damage to normal epithelia =P The next day my amiga brought me a little mini Safe Sex Sampler kit that Wet® was handing out for free at TAO. It had a condom, and a sample packet of Wet® kiwi-strawberry flavored lube, a sample packet of Wet® regular lube, and a coupon for $1 off any other Wet® product =P So yays. I've got a condom now stashed in each purse, so no matter how ditzy I am, I will always have one with me jic.

Saturday I was gonna hang out with friends but cancelled because my dog got really sick. Her appetite had been dwindling for the past couple weeks, but I'd just been forcing her to eat, well Friday night I wasn't able to force her to eat anymore at all. We noticed she'd been slowing down lately, but she's old and arthritic, and on Saturday when she came in to the garage for me to feed her she was especially slow, but I thought nothing of it because she'd only eaten half her food the day before - which included her arthritis medicine - so I figured she was just really tired and hungry and sore. But she stopped eating altogether, and then collapsed on the garage floor over her food bowl. So I got mom to help me bring her inside and lay her on a blanket, and mom checked her out, and determined initially that it was prolly heart failure, because she was so pale, and out of breath, and couldn't even hold herself up anymore. But then as we were lying with her mom noticed her abdomen was slightly distended, so she was feeling around, and Cheyenne had a massive tumor in her abdomen. I mean massive. And since it was nestled up in there just caudal to her ribcage, no one had seen it. It was somewhere bigger than a baseball but smaller than a volleyball. BIG. So we decided she might not make it throught the weekend, and i cancelled everything so I could stay with her through the weekend, but later that night when she started a steady nosebleed I decided to take her to the vet. Mom couldve euthanized her in the comfort of our home, she's got blue juice just for that, but I really wanted an extra opinion from a vet, to see if maybe there was something we could do, ya know? Because mom knows her shit, but even she admits there's only so much she can diagnose in the living room without any instruments or tests. So we took her in to the emergency clinic where mom's Joel works. The vet said basicly everything mom had said, and that the tumor was in her liver, and had metastecized to her lungs - which is why she was so out of breath and her breathing was kinda crackly. So. The only option was to put her on steroids, which would prolong her life for a few days at the most, a few days in which she would still be unable to stand up on her own, and she couldn't take any pain killers, and she'd eventually die from the fluid build-up in her lungs. I thought that would be a pretty cruel way to let her go, so I said put her down. =( She was 12. Her life expectancy was 11-12, so it wasn't a big surprise. For some reason I'm not taking it as rough as everyone else is, even though I was closer to her than anyone =/

I have a lot of homework to do this week - I MUST be caught up in engrish by Monday!!!!!!!! That means I have this week and weekend to finish reading Light In August, write on it, and get halfway through The Mayor Of Casterbridge (which I am not really looking forward to...it sounds not so good, but someone told me it's good...=/ I don't like books being compulsory. I mean, I like Faulkner, and I still haven't been able to get really into it. It just kinda sucks the joy out of the novel =( I had the same problem for a lot of Wuthering Heights too, and I freaking adored that book!)

Say hello
to everything you left behind -
it's even more a part of your life
now that you can't touch it.
I'm taking her home with me,
all dressed in white,
she's got everthing I need:
some pills in a little cup.
She's falling hard for me,
I can see it in her eyes.
She acts just like a nurse
with all the other guys
She's got everything I need:
pharmacy keys.

time waster

2008-11-30T06:04:27Z

I totally was filling out one of those lame myspace surveys for here, but then got tired of it and scrapped it.

Spanksgibbun

2008-11-28T07:29:56Z

HAPPY ~~SPANKSGIVING~~ THANKSGIVING! =)

Today I got to see Tim's side of the fam and I got to chill with my awesome twin cousins Michael and Matt =) I just found out that Michael is majoring in computer science at Saddleback Community College and Matt is undeclared but going to UCI (they're in their freshman year because they're only like 6 months older than me). I love them. They're such fun =)

Tomorrow is Black Friday. If I had money I'd be hitting up the stores.

I'm excited. You don't know why. =)
Yays.

she's gone

2008-11-15T10:08:27Z

Karen and Jon are officially moved out today. Their beds are moved as is all their big furniture in the house, just some random crap and boxes lying around and all their stuff in the garage is left. We have no idea where they are staying now.
Tomorrow after I get out of Saturday school I get to see my Morgan! =D
Then Sunday I'm helping my manager work a table in front of Wal*Mart. Hopefully I'l get at least another customer or member of my downline.

Shitty...

2008-11-06T05:38:08Z

Oh man.

Pollworking sucked yesterday.

Actually, this whole week starting with Saturday has sucked majorly.

Things at home are shitty.

Karen has turned into a complete fucking monster.

Now she claims she needs legal protection from Tim "attacking" her - even though he has not spoken to her nor seen her since Saturday.

Can't even talk to her she's being such a cunt.

I will post more about how the pollworking went, but later.
Yesterday was just so shitty.

More stuff involving my quest for a sign

2008-10-30T02:41:20Z

I finally got my official sign today!!!!!

I called The Center, which is this gay/lesbian center where they offer like groups and counseling and HIV tests, and they just got signs in today. So I bused over there, on GG Blvd between Harbor and Haster, got 2 signs, one for me and one for my neighbor, picked up a copy of LesbianNews for my mom, talked to the guy behind the counter who I must say was one of the very nicest people I think i've ever met.

Then there was a construction zone right in front of my bus stop so all the cars had to drive by really slowly or stop altogether, so everyone got a good look at my sign and I got to tell a few people about prop8 and what it would do.

Then I delivered one of the signs to my neighbor Sylvia and we put it in her front yard, & then I came home with my sign and showed my grama and mom.
So my grama asked if this meant she could put a McCain/Palin sign in the front yard too and i said no because i refrained from putting an Obama sign there back in June because i knew the rest of the house wouldn't agree with it...
and she just cocked an eyebrow and continued staring at my sign.
So loudly enough for lesbian mama to hear I asked if she really supported a constitutional ban on gay marriage...
and she said no, she just doesnt want the sign in our yard, because she says people walking down the street, even parents with their little baby strollers, are looking at my duct tape NO sign ominously.
So I said tough shit and put my new sign in my front yard, and moved my old one to the grass at the end of my driveway so people driving by in cars can see too.

The guy at The Center said there's a "demonstration" (just like people standing around holding signs in protest of prop8) on Chapman/Harbor Saturday from 11am-1pm, but I can't go because I'll be taking some SAT IIs.
I can't get over how incredibly friendly he was =P

SO.
If anyone would like to go, or would be interested in going to another one on a different day, please let me know because i have the info all printed out for me and would love to share.

OK that was way more lengthy than I had anticipated. =)

Looking through old pictures...

2008-10-29T08:25:24Z

...makes me sad.

I miss my house.

I miss my little desert town.

I miss being able to see the mountains all around.

I miss the lack of sidewalks.

I miss being able to see the stars.

I miss the empty field by the library and police station, where the SuperTarget is now.

I really miss that day me and Leticia were behind that wall between the library and popo station with the soda can. That ranks one of the greatest days of my life. =P

I miss my back yard.

I miss the fence me & Tim built.

I miss the hump in the front yard.

I miss sleeping on the floor in front of the hearth.

I miss Adam. I wish I could still talk to him. I miss just having him lie next to me in bed after he finished, even though he could never stay more than a few minutes.
I miss the smell of his cologne.
I could go over every little detail that I miss but I'm already feeding the turtle so why fuel that further?

I miss watching my ceiling move.

I miss the little pink plate full of happiness in the drawer by my bed.

I miss the mango.

I really miss being too spun out to have any idea what was going on around me.

My mom and I were going through old pics of the house, and the yards, and that pumpkin patch on Bear Valley Rd.

It was nostalgic.

I really don't want to be here right now.

8

2008-10-27T23:29:53Z

so i was coming home from school today and noticed that another goddamn yes on 8 sign was up at the corner of Lampson/Lamplighter, right where I took the last one down,

and I was gonna take this one too but finally decided that it might be a suppression of free speech and if these bigots want to post their yes on 8 signs they can feel free,

i'll just make another NO sign and stick it up in front of theirs.

So I changed my shoes and walked to the library to return a couple late books, and when I came home I noticed that the sign was gone - and so were ALL the yes on 8 signs on my street and the streets coming off of my street, and I saw one of them, detached from it's metal frame, caught on the bottom of a telephone pole and about to blow away.

So. I don't condone taking stuff out of people's front yards.....but damn that sure put a big smile on my face.

And it wasn't just some sign vandal either, because al the Linh Ho and Steve Dalton and Switch To Mitch, and of course my solitary NO sign were all left untouched.

All in all, I'd say this has been a pretty good afternoon thus far.

listless

2008-10-21T08:05:48Z

I lack motivation, to do anything.
I'm so exhausted, my head is killing me.
I've got 2 books to read and write papers on by Friday for Engrish, a giant late stats project, and busy work for 3 other classes.
And I don't feel like moving.
In fact, as winter approaches once more,
I feel like giving up entirely.
I'm sick of this.
I need some adderall.

scream

2008-10-19T06:14:42Z

I finally got to sleep last night, without waking up every half hour either. it was so great. til about 1:30 in the afternoon when my mom came in to wake me up and my grama was yelling that i must be on drugs because that's the only possible way anyone could sleep that late.

Never mind the fact that for a week i've only been able to get 2 hours of broken sleep a night, if that, or the fact that i've had this blinding headache for a few weeks now.

nope. i must be on drugs.

i wish i was.

then my mom starts screaming at me for failing english, my progress report came in the mail today.

she's pretty pissed about that.

she thinks i'm gonna fail and then not graduate.

i've been thinking about dropping out and moving away.

but then my mom needed me to help her and sanchita get ready to go so i guess that got put aside for now.

so then i did their hair and laced their corsets and helped with their garters and makeup and teeth and it was a very arduous ordeal.

it's kinda funny how she acts all cool with me and like we're so close and all now, when just in june she said she wanted me out and that she wouldnt give a shit if i disappeared.

then i made some coffee.

then i wrapped a present for lil bro's friend and took him to her birfday party at 5.

now i'm sposed to be sacrificing any social life i could've had on this saturday(?) night to work on not failing engrish.

i'm very tired and my head is killing me.

at least the day got better. my uncle was demo-ing the walls and so i got to go in there with a sledgehammer and just beat the shit outta the walls. it was quite therapeutic.

then my grama came home and i showed her these pics of my mom and sanchita that i took before they left today, and she just about shit herself. it totally made my ~~day~~ life.

they went to the spiketv scream awards as seat-fillers, like for when the celebrities get upi to leave or go to the bathroom, they don't want empty seats when the camera pans over the audience. one of the requirements though was that all the seat-fillers had to be dressed all crazy-like, specifically "goth" or "punk" or "in costume" etc.

then i went with karen (grama) and jon (uncle) out to dinner and i got some yummy veggie fajitas because we brought a coupon.

then jon drove me home so i could go pick up lil bro, and his friend's dad told me about how they looked through his spensive telescope and got to see jupiter and could even see its ring and like 3 or 4 of its moons, it was so cool. i really like them, they're nice neighbors. =)

then my mom just called and said that she and sanchita did get to fill some seats and might've made it on tv, and they got pulled aside for a special photo shoot with gerard way from my chemical romance and they got to meet him and talk to him, which was pretty cool.

i am so over caffeinated tongiht omg.

can't stop shaking.